The Importance of Socializing

Human beings are social creatures. Isolation is not good for anyone, but it is particularly bad for those of us who suffer from depression. Alone with our negative thoughts, we usually end up sliding a lot closer to the abyss.

Socializing is one thing I realized early on was good for me, even before I got help, and professionals told me what I'd already figured out. If I'm in a good mood, or if I'm feeling creative, being alone can be a good thing. I can get some writing done when I'm not being distracted. But when I'm in a bad mood, when despair overtakes me, I know that I'm just not good company for myself. I need to get out and socialize.

Hanging out with friends will improve your mood, even if it's only slightly. At worst, being with other people will at least prevent your despair from getting worse. Chances are that your mood will improve. Being alone reminds you of how alone you feel, reminds you of your lonely struggle against your illness. Being with other people may initially feel like a temporary distraction, but ultimately, it will make you feel connected to humanity again. Socializing will remind you that there is more to the world than the darkness within yourself.

If you're feeling really depressed, I urge you to socialize as much as you can. Go and hang out with your friends. It's good for you. Just remember to do your best not to dump your despair all over them. I've done it, many times, and I have to remind myself constantly not to do it, no matter how good it feels to vent. I do my best not to, but I don't always succeed. Just try and relax, have fun, and talk about something other than how bad you feel. And pay attention to how you feel right after you leave to go home. Ask yourself if you feel at least a little better than you did before you went out. I think you'll be able to say that you do.

If you don't have any friends, then you need to get out and try and meet some. I don't have a lot of great advice for meeting people, because I've always had friends, and have never really had a problem making new ones. Some of my friends I've known for more than 30 years, so I've been fortunate. One suggestion I have is to join a club that shares one of your interests. I joined a writer's group, and have a few new friends because of it. If you have a hobby, a sport you follow, an interest you're passionate about, then try and find a group or club that shares that interest. It will be easier to make friends in a situation where you all have something in common. You won't feel like an outsider with nothing to say. The internet is a great tool for finding such organizations. I used Google to find the writer's group I joined.

So get out there. Hang out with old friends, or make new ones. It's not easy sometimes. Trust me, I know how easy it is to let depression pin you to the floor. But do it. You will probably feel at least a little better, maybe a lot better. Socializing is an important, and often underused weapon in the fight against depression. Please use it. Please fight.

Losing And Winning

I had a depressing couple of weeks. A novel I was working on for two months fizzled out. The plot was too thin to sustain the story, and it just sort of ran out of steam after 50-odd pages. I admit that becoming depressed about it was my fault, as I fell back into familiar old negative thought patterns. It felt like God had given me the desire to write, but insufficient talent, and I questioned the idea of continuing to write.

Eventually, though, I realized I had to shake myself out of the sadness. It's easy to forget that one has a role in fighting depression. It feels like you're helpless, and you can't do anything to improve your mood. Believe me, I know how sadness can drag one down like quicksand. But I knew what I had to do, so I got to work.

I had to write down my thoughts (CBT again) and analyze them, to see what was accurate and what was distorted. Once I'd figured out that just because one writing project had failed didn't automatically make me a bad writer, I got back to writing. I wrote some scripts for a sketch comedy group a friend of mine is putting together, and I also wrote a lot of crap. But for me, just the act of writing is helpful, even if the end result is useful only as kindling. I wrote some good stuff and a lot of bad stuff, and after a day or two, I felt better. You can, too.

You may not be a writer, or an artist, but there must be something in your life that you like doing. If you have a hobby, pursue it. Enjoy it. Do it for its own sake. If you don't, consider taking one up. Drag yourself out of the house and take a walk, a slow walk where you try to notice what's around you, the trees, the buildings, the little bits of glass at the edge of the sidewalk that sometimes sparkle in the sun. Or go and socialize with friends. But do something, no matter how pointless it seems. Believe it or not, your mood will improve, even if it's only slightly. Trust me, I know how easy it is to just lie there, feeling the hurt. I've given in to sadness and inertia many times. But for your own sake, fight it! I have to remind myself to keep fighting, but when I do, I feel better, because it feels like I'm NOT helpless, that I can stand up to my illness. You can, too. Please try. You have nothing to lose.

The Fight Goes On

Just because I'm not suicidal anymore doesn't mean I don't have bad days, or bad weeks. Overcoming depression doesn't mean being happy all the time, or never feeling depressed. All it means is that when the bad days come, I fight my way through them, instead of letting them drag me down into weeks of profound darkness. The abyss still calls out to me, but I don't slide down to the edge and peer in anymore.

"Know that when you gaze into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Nietzche.

This week has been bad. I've made mistakes at work, and doing stupid stuff always makes me feel bad about myself. I have to work hard reminding myself that 99% of the time at work, I do my job well, instead of focusing on the occasional boneheaded mistake. I've also been fighting self-pity, as well as the fear about my future. Fear often paralyzes me, and then I feel guilty for letting that happen, and depressed about feeling guilty. Stuff like this keeps happening, but I do my best to fight through it.

I just want you to know that the battle against depression never really ends. This is not to say the fight is hopeless - it's not! It's just that victory doesn't come in the form of euphoria. Victory comes in the form of just staying alive, committing oneself to the fight, and making steady, long-term progress. In spite of how I felt this week, I'm better now than I was a year ago. I feel bad, but I can at least be proud that I didn't let my despair turn into thoughts of suicide.

The fight goes on, so keep fighting.

Some History

My first suicide attempt was when I was 13. I was one of those kids who was picked on a lot, and my teachers didn't take my complaints seriously. Worse, my parents didn't believe me. I was actually accused of making it up. I didn't think anyone cared, so I figured I might as well die. Good thing I can't tie knots in ropes very well. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 15. I had what alcoholics call "a moment of clarity", when during a really bad day, I realized that most people probably weren't wishing they were dead, so I asked the school nurse for help. She got me an appointment with a councellor, who realized she was in over her head and she referred me to a psychiatrist. Eventually, I kind of pulled myself together and went to college. I had my first girlfriend, I was in a program I enjoyed, and for a brief time I was happy and thought I had put depression behind me. I was wrong. When I graduated, I had to face the prospect of looking for work, and also dealing with the return of my suicidal thoughts. My girlfriend tried her best to deal with how I was, but in the end, she had to bail on me, and I don't blame her. I was no fun to be around. I thought that being alone was causing my problems, so I searched for someone else. Met my future wife, and again, things were pretty good for a few years. We got married, and then my job got a lot more stressful, and the stress made my illness worse. My daughter was born in March of 2000, and my wife kicked me out in October, shortly after I attempted suicide. She couldn't deal with the way I had become, and I have no bitterness towards her. All I could see was darkness. I was in my own personal abyss, and consumed with my own pain, I was unable to see how badly I was treating my wife. I lived alone for two years, and that's when I hit rock bottom. I lived in an apartment building, and jumping out the 18th floor would have been pretty easy. I thought about doing that all the time. One day, I realized I was really going to do it, and that's when I decided to go to the hospital. I saw some more mental health professionals, tried many different anti-depressants until I could find one that didn't have horrible side effects, but in the end, it was cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that turned things around. I actually did CBT twice, but the first time, I didn't put in the effort, because I didn't think it would help. The second time, for many reasons, I was ready to give CBT a real shot, and it worked. My point in telling you all this is that you can't give up. Medication works for some people, but not everyone. And some meds work, others don't. If one doesn't work, keep trying. If whoever you're seeing isn't great, find someone else. I've had my share of crappy psychiatrists. I kept looking until I found one right for me. CBT has a higher success rate than meds, but you have to put in the effort and trust the process. Whatever you do, keep trying. If something isn't working, go to your family doctor and demand another referral or a different med. If you need help immediately, go to the ER. I had to keep trying all sorts of stuff for more than 20 years before I finally got what I needed. Hopefully, it won't take you that long. But the point is, DON'T GIVE UP. I know the hopelessness, the feeling that things will never get better. Believe me, I know what utter despair is. I have been in that abyss many times, for many years. I got out at last. You can, too.

Welcome. Please Don't Die.

I think I'm going to use this blog to convey my struggles with clinical depression, and how, after two decades, things are finally improving. I hope that my stories can inspire others battling depression, and maybe show them that it can be beaten. I suppose I'll just tell my tales, send my postcards from the abyss in my own soul, and hopefully, they will give others hope.

And there is hope. I never thought I'd say this, ever, but hope exists. The fight continues, but I'm making progress. Things can get better. If you're thinking about suicide, PLEASE GET HELP. Do it NOW. If you don't know where to go or who to see, then do what I did. Go to the ER at the hospital, and tell them you're thinking about ending your life. Feel free to use the phrase I did. I said to the nurse "I want to commit suicide, but I promised my friends I'd come here first." They'll look after you pretty quickly. They may not be able to help you right away, but they can put you in touch with people who can. I eventually got an appointment with a councellor at a mood disorders clinic. Ask for help, and be patient. Above all, don't give up. I wanted to, but I didn't, and now I'm glad I didn't.

Anyway, that's what this blog will be. Just stories about my struggles, the progress I've made, and the hope that it might inspire you.