Losing And Winning

I had a depressing couple of weeks. A novel I was working on for two months fizzled out. The plot was too thin to sustain the story, and it just sort of ran out of steam after 50-odd pages. I admit that becoming depressed about it was my fault, as I fell back into familiar old negative thought patterns. It felt like God had given me the desire to write, but insufficient talent, and I questioned the idea of continuing to write.

Eventually, though, I realized I had to shake myself out of the sadness. It's easy to forget that one has a role in fighting depression. It feels like you're helpless, and you can't do anything to improve your mood. Believe me, I know how sadness can drag one down like quicksand. But I knew what I had to do, so I got to work.

I had to write down my thoughts (CBT again) and analyze them, to see what was accurate and what was distorted. Once I'd figured out that just because one writing project had failed didn't automatically make me a bad writer, I got back to writing. I wrote some scripts for a sketch comedy group a friend of mine is putting together, and I also wrote a lot of crap. But for me, just the act of writing is helpful, even if the end result is useful only as kindling. I wrote some good stuff and a lot of bad stuff, and after a day or two, I felt better. You can, too.

You may not be a writer, or an artist, but there must be something in your life that you like doing. If you have a hobby, pursue it. Enjoy it. Do it for its own sake. If you don't, consider taking one up. Drag yourself out of the house and take a walk, a slow walk where you try to notice what's around you, the trees, the buildings, the little bits of glass at the edge of the sidewalk that sometimes sparkle in the sun. Or go and socialize with friends. But do something, no matter how pointless it seems. Believe it or not, your mood will improve, even if it's only slightly. Trust me, I know how easy it is to just lie there, feeling the hurt. I've given in to sadness and inertia many times. But for your own sake, fight it! I have to remind myself to keep fighting, but when I do, I feel better, because it feels like I'm NOT helpless, that I can stand up to my illness. You can, too. Please try. You have nothing to lose.