The Fight Goes On

Just because I'm not suicidal anymore doesn't mean I don't have bad days, or bad weeks. Overcoming depression doesn't mean being happy all the time, or never feeling depressed. All it means is that when the bad days come, I fight my way through them, instead of letting them drag me down into weeks of profound darkness. The abyss still calls out to me, but I don't slide down to the edge and peer in anymore.

"Know that when you gaze into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Nietzche.

This week has been bad. I've made mistakes at work, and doing stupid stuff always makes me feel bad about myself. I have to work hard reminding myself that 99% of the time at work, I do my job well, instead of focusing on the occasional boneheaded mistake. I've also been fighting self-pity, as well as the fear about my future. Fear often paralyzes me, and then I feel guilty for letting that happen, and depressed about feeling guilty. Stuff like this keeps happening, but I do my best to fight through it.

I just want you to know that the battle against depression never really ends. This is not to say the fight is hopeless - it's not! It's just that victory doesn't come in the form of euphoria. Victory comes in the form of just staying alive, committing oneself to the fight, and making steady, long-term progress. In spite of how I felt this week, I'm better now than I was a year ago. I feel bad, but I can at least be proud that I didn't let my despair turn into thoughts of suicide.

The fight goes on, so keep fighting.