The Fight Goes On

Just because I'm not suicidal anymore doesn't mean I don't have bad days, or bad weeks. Overcoming depression doesn't mean being happy all the time, or never feeling depressed. All it means is that when the bad days come, I fight my way through them, instead of letting them drag me down into weeks of profound darkness. The abyss still calls out to me, but I don't slide down to the edge and peer in anymore.

"Know that when you gaze into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Nietzche.

This week has been bad. I've made mistakes at work, and doing stupid stuff always makes me feel bad about myself. I have to work hard reminding myself that 99% of the time at work, I do my job well, instead of focusing on the occasional boneheaded mistake. I've also been fighting self-pity, as well as the fear about my future. Fear often paralyzes me, and then I feel guilty for letting that happen, and depressed about feeling guilty. Stuff like this keeps happening, but I do my best to fight through it.

I just want you to know that the battle against depression never really ends. This is not to say the fight is hopeless - it's not! It's just that victory doesn't come in the form of euphoria. Victory comes in the form of just staying alive, committing oneself to the fight, and making steady, long-term progress. In spite of how I felt this week, I'm better now than I was a year ago. I feel bad, but I can at least be proud that I didn't let my despair turn into thoughts of suicide.

The fight goes on, so keep fighting.

Some History

My first suicide attempt was when I was 13. I was one of those kids who was picked on a lot, and my teachers didn't take my complaints seriously. Worse, my parents didn't believe me. I was actually accused of making it up. I didn't think anyone cared, so I figured I might as well die. Good thing I can't tie knots in ropes very well. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 15. I had what alcoholics call "a moment of clarity", when during a really bad day, I realized that most people probably weren't wishing they were dead, so I asked the school nurse for help. She got me an appointment with a councellor, who realized she was in over her head and she referred me to a psychiatrist. Eventually, I kind of pulled myself together and went to college. I had my first girlfriend, I was in a program I enjoyed, and for a brief time I was happy and thought I had put depression behind me. I was wrong. When I graduated, I had to face the prospect of looking for work, and also dealing with the return of my suicidal thoughts. My girlfriend tried her best to deal with how I was, but in the end, she had to bail on me, and I don't blame her. I was no fun to be around. I thought that being alone was causing my problems, so I searched for someone else. Met my future wife, and again, things were pretty good for a few years. We got married, and then my job got a lot more stressful, and the stress made my illness worse. My daughter was born in March of 2000, and my wife kicked me out in October, shortly after I attempted suicide. She couldn't deal with the way I had become, and I have no bitterness towards her. All I could see was darkness. I was in my own personal abyss, and consumed with my own pain, I was unable to see how badly I was treating my wife. I lived alone for two years, and that's when I hit rock bottom. I lived in an apartment building, and jumping out the 18th floor would have been pretty easy. I thought about doing that all the time. One day, I realized I was really going to do it, and that's when I decided to go to the hospital. I saw some more mental health professionals, tried many different anti-depressants until I could find one that didn't have horrible side effects, but in the end, it was cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that turned things around. I actually did CBT twice, but the first time, I didn't put in the effort, because I didn't think it would help. The second time, for many reasons, I was ready to give CBT a real shot, and it worked. My point in telling you all this is that you can't give up. Medication works for some people, but not everyone. And some meds work, others don't. If one doesn't work, keep trying. If whoever you're seeing isn't great, find someone else. I've had my share of crappy psychiatrists. I kept looking until I found one right for me. CBT has a higher success rate than meds, but you have to put in the effort and trust the process. Whatever you do, keep trying. If something isn't working, go to your family doctor and demand another referral or a different med. If you need help immediately, go to the ER. I had to keep trying all sorts of stuff for more than 20 years before I finally got what I needed. Hopefully, it won't take you that long. But the point is, DON'T GIVE UP. I know the hopelessness, the feeling that things will never get better. Believe me, I know what utter despair is. I have been in that abyss many times, for many years. I got out at last. You can, too.

Welcome. Please Don't Die.

I think I'm going to use this blog to convey my struggles with clinical depression, and how, after two decades, things are finally improving. I hope that my stories can inspire others battling depression, and maybe show them that it can be beaten. I suppose I'll just tell my tales, send my postcards from the abyss in my own soul, and hopefully, they will give others hope.

And there is hope. I never thought I'd say this, ever, but hope exists. The fight continues, but I'm making progress. Things can get better. If you're thinking about suicide, PLEASE GET HELP. Do it NOW. If you don't know where to go or who to see, then do what I did. Go to the ER at the hospital, and tell them you're thinking about ending your life. Feel free to use the phrase I did. I said to the nurse "I want to commit suicide, but I promised my friends I'd come here first." They'll look after you pretty quickly. They may not be able to help you right away, but they can put you in touch with people who can. I eventually got an appointment with a councellor at a mood disorders clinic. Ask for help, and be patient. Above all, don't give up. I wanted to, but I didn't, and now I'm glad I didn't.

Anyway, that's what this blog will be. Just stories about my struggles, the progress I've made, and the hope that it might inspire you.