Buddhists say that suffering is caused by desire. Wanting things, whatever they are, and not getting them, leads to suffering. That is certainly true for a lot of my suffering.
We often get upset at circumstances, events or situations because we feel they shouldn't be happening. I have often asked myself "why must I put up with this?" Have you? I'm fairly certain you have. And yet one path to inner peace and less suffering is accepting things as they are. I have been trying my best to do that.
An enlightened man (whose name eludes me) once got hit by a taxi, and broke his leg. He said this about the accident: "My first thought was 'why me?' But the answer came to me immediately. 'Why not?' Who am I that I should not suffer? Am I so special that nothing bad should happen to me? Of course not."
Part of my unhappiness about my current situation - menial job, minimal pay - was my belief that I shouldn't be in this situation. I should have done this or that in the past. I should have gone back to school, taken training, etc. I made myself miserable by blaming myself and my mistakes for ending up where I am now. As I struggled to accept my situation, I realized something monumental: I may actually be where I am supposed to be. My choices in life did lead me here, but who is to say they were the wrong ones? I have opened myself to the possibility that, at least for now, I am where I belong. I may have only chose my path unconsciously, but I did choose it. This may even be where I want to be.
Realizing this was very liberating. Right now, at least, I don't feel like I'm in the "wrong" place. My reasons for choosing my path may have been weird (I know that being a "failure", at least financially, is a way to get back at my father. After all, it does piss him off), but the choice was mine. I don't know, but I'm open to the possibility.
I don't know where I'm headed yet in this life. I don't know what path I "should" take in the future. But I have accepted Things As They Are, and I have managed to take an honest look at what I really want and don't want. Instead of trying to force my square self into a round hole, I accept my real desires, and no longer judge them as "wrong". For example, I used to feel depressed because I don't own a house like most of my friends. I felt, at my age, I "should" be a home owner. I realized recently that I actually like renting. I don't want to own a home. I just thought I should. Being honest with myself, and accepting my real wants has made me feel a lot better.
I still suffer, but I when I get down, when I ask myself "why me?", I reply immediately "why not?" We all suffer to varying degrees. I am no different than any other person. Accepting that I will suffer, as we all suffer, makes it easier to deal with. It's like M. Scott Peck said in his book, "The Road Less Travelled". Life is hard. When you accept that, you can transcend it. That's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy, but I keep going. I hope you do, too.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Things As They Are
August was a pretty good month for me, all things considered. My finances are still a mess, I still have no car of my own, and unexpected expenses keep preventing me from reducing my debt. There are a lot of things I could be stressed out about, and yet, for the most part, I'm not.
I've been trying to do the Buddhist thing and accept things as they are. After all, much of our unhappiness comes from the feeling that, whatever bad thing happens, it shouldn't be happening. But why shouldn't it? After all, Buddhism teaches that life is suffering. When you rail against the injustice of suffering, you make yourself unhappy. But when you accept that suffering exists, you can transcend it. When misfortune and pain arrive, the ordinary person says "why me?". The wise person replies "why not?". Everyone suffers, to some degree. Some suffer more than others, it's true, but no-one cruises through life without some kind of pain. So why am I (or you) any different? Of course I suffer, and so do you. So does everyone. Acceptance doesn't mean not doing anything about it, it just means not getting angry or depressed because it's happening.
It hasn't been easy accepting the idea that I am where I am supposed to be, but for the most part, I've managed it. Misfortune comes my way a lot, and much of it is self-inflicted, but I'll get through it. Maybe not well. I may make mistakes, or realize I could have done things differently, but I will get through it, whether it's another long bout of writer's block, another episode of depression, or another self-inflicted cash shortfall due to overspending. I'll survive.
I'd like to share a quote from an enlightened woman whose name eludes me. Her purse was stolen, but she didn't get upset. Instead she said: "Whoever stole it must have needed it more than I did, but that doesn't mean I didn't cancel my credit cards."
My life's kind of a mess, and I'm still single, and yet I'm reasonably content, because I try to accept things as they are. I urge you do try, too. And look into some sort of spirituality. Buddhism seems to be a good fit for me, but something else may suit you better. But do search. We all must find our own path.
I've been trying to do the Buddhist thing and accept things as they are. After all, much of our unhappiness comes from the feeling that, whatever bad thing happens, it shouldn't be happening. But why shouldn't it? After all, Buddhism teaches that life is suffering. When you rail against the injustice of suffering, you make yourself unhappy. But when you accept that suffering exists, you can transcend it. When misfortune and pain arrive, the ordinary person says "why me?". The wise person replies "why not?". Everyone suffers, to some degree. Some suffer more than others, it's true, but no-one cruises through life without some kind of pain. So why am I (or you) any different? Of course I suffer, and so do you. So does everyone. Acceptance doesn't mean not doing anything about it, it just means not getting angry or depressed because it's happening.
It hasn't been easy accepting the idea that I am where I am supposed to be, but for the most part, I've managed it. Misfortune comes my way a lot, and much of it is self-inflicted, but I'll get through it. Maybe not well. I may make mistakes, or realize I could have done things differently, but I will get through it, whether it's another long bout of writer's block, another episode of depression, or another self-inflicted cash shortfall due to overspending. I'll survive.
I'd like to share a quote from an enlightened woman whose name eludes me. Her purse was stolen, but she didn't get upset. Instead she said: "Whoever stole it must have needed it more than I did, but that doesn't mean I didn't cancel my credit cards."
My life's kind of a mess, and I'm still single, and yet I'm reasonably content, because I try to accept things as they are. I urge you do try, too. And look into some sort of spirituality. Buddhism seems to be a good fit for me, but something else may suit you better. But do search. We all must find our own path.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Real Wealth
I have realized over the last few weeks that, even though I have no money, I am by one measure a rich man. If one were to measure wealth by the quality of one's friends, then I am one of the richest men in the world.
Most of my friends I have known since high school. Many of them I have known since grade school. My high school crew are all like brothers to me. When things went badly, when everyone else - my parents, my family, my teachers - abandoned or betrayed me, my friends were there for me. My friends have stuck by me through thick and thin, through some bad times and some apalling behaviour on my part. My parents cut me loose, the rest of my family turned their backs on me, but my friends stayed true for more than 20 years now.
I have very little money. I work a loser job for mediocre pay. I own nothing of value - no house, no car, no investments. I live paycheque to paycheque. Yet I have marvellous, wonderful friends who inexplicably love me in spite of my flaws. I am truly lucky.
Money comes and goes. Owning stuff does not buy happiness. But great friends are real wealth, and I have many great friends. By that measure, I am one of the luckiest and richest men on the face of the earth, and for that I am truly thankful.
I guess what I'm saying is that even if I have nothing else, I have great friends, and they're worth sticking around for. I sincerely hope that you have at least one friend like that. If you do, stick around for their sake, even if you feel your own life seems hopeless sometimes.
Most of my friends I have known since high school. Many of them I have known since grade school. My high school crew are all like brothers to me. When things went badly, when everyone else - my parents, my family, my teachers - abandoned or betrayed me, my friends were there for me. My friends have stuck by me through thick and thin, through some bad times and some apalling behaviour on my part. My parents cut me loose, the rest of my family turned their backs on me, but my friends stayed true for more than 20 years now.
I have very little money. I work a loser job for mediocre pay. I own nothing of value - no house, no car, no investments. I live paycheque to paycheque. Yet I have marvellous, wonderful friends who inexplicably love me in spite of my flaws. I am truly lucky.
Money comes and goes. Owning stuff does not buy happiness. But great friends are real wealth, and I have many great friends. By that measure, I am one of the luckiest and richest men on the face of the earth, and for that I am truly thankful.
I guess what I'm saying is that even if I have nothing else, I have great friends, and they're worth sticking around for. I sincerely hope that you have at least one friend like that. If you do, stick around for their sake, even if you feel your own life seems hopeless sometimes.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I Keep Getting Up
May was a horrible month for me. On top of the regular stupid crap that I do, and the ongoing challenges of my life, I discovered something unpleasant about myself.
I am worse than I thought. I am evil.
I will not relate the details of my transgression. I will only say that I did something unspeakably bad, and worse, I knew it was wrong and wanted to do it anyway. For hours after the event, I sat and stared in horror at the abyss in my soul. Recalling my apalling and outrageous behaviour, I remember knowing what I was doing was wrong and wanting desperately to do it in spite of myself. All I could say for hours afterwards, over and over, were four words:
"I am a monster".
I tell you this only because I was very close to killing myself. I didn't, and I don't know why. I have many reasons to die and very few to keep living. In the end, I decided to keep going merely for the sake of going on. Call it hope, call it survival instinct, call it what you will, but I decided to stay alive, if only for the sake of staying alive.
I keep falling. I keep getting knocked down. I keep tripping myself and landing face down in life's muck. I keep thinking of giving up and ending it all. But for some reason, I keep getting up. I tell myself "give it one more day". Sometimes, I inch forward, concentrating not on getting through the day, but on getting through the hour, the minute, the moment. I don't know why. I am a wretched fiend, a diabolical slave to my selfish, desperate, grasping desires. I have wronged so many people that care about me that I feel that I deserve to die. But God (for lack of a better term for whatever higher power there is) refuses to help me out by giving me a massive heart attack or an inoperable tumour, so He must want me to stick around for some reason. So I do. I keep getting up. I don't know if that's a good enough reason to go on, but it will have to do.
I keep getting up. It's all I have.
I am worse than I thought. I am evil.
I will not relate the details of my transgression. I will only say that I did something unspeakably bad, and worse, I knew it was wrong and wanted to do it anyway. For hours after the event, I sat and stared in horror at the abyss in my soul. Recalling my apalling and outrageous behaviour, I remember knowing what I was doing was wrong and wanting desperately to do it in spite of myself. All I could say for hours afterwards, over and over, were four words:
"I am a monster".
I tell you this only because I was very close to killing myself. I didn't, and I don't know why. I have many reasons to die and very few to keep living. In the end, I decided to keep going merely for the sake of going on. Call it hope, call it survival instinct, call it what you will, but I decided to stay alive, if only for the sake of staying alive.
I keep falling. I keep getting knocked down. I keep tripping myself and landing face down in life's muck. I keep thinking of giving up and ending it all. But for some reason, I keep getting up. I tell myself "give it one more day". Sometimes, I inch forward, concentrating not on getting through the day, but on getting through the hour, the minute, the moment. I don't know why. I am a wretched fiend, a diabolical slave to my selfish, desperate, grasping desires. I have wronged so many people that care about me that I feel that I deserve to die. But God (for lack of a better term for whatever higher power there is) refuses to help me out by giving me a massive heart attack or an inoperable tumour, so He must want me to stick around for some reason. So I do. I keep getting up. I don't know if that's a good enough reason to go on, but it will have to do.
I keep getting up. It's all I have.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I Promise To Fight
March has been a bad month. There are lots of reasons. Some are external (my car died), and some are internal (negative thought patterns), but they're not important. What's important is that I keep trying.
I've been feeling suicidal for three weeks or so. I think about killing myself many times, every single day. I've lost faith in myself at times, there's still lots about myself I dislike, and there are plenty of times that I lose hope for my future. I ask myself "why do I bother?", and I have no compelling answer for that. All I can do is make a promise to myself that I'm going to keep fighting. I have thought about that, and I think that maybe the promise means more if I make it to you, too.
So, to anyone reading this blog, I promise to fight. I promise that no matter how tempting suicide is, I won't do it. I promise I won't give up. I promise to fight.
If you feel suicidal, I hope that my struggle might inspire you to keep fighting, too. I write this blog to remind you that you're not alone in your struggle, and to remind myself that I'm not alone, either. So fight. Give it one more day. Get back in the ring and go one more round. And if you're serious about killing yourself, GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW. I promise to do the same.
I wish this post were more inspirational, that I could talk about all the progress I've made and how much better I feel, but maybe the inspiration here is that I really, really want to die, but I'm not going to give up. I promise to fight. I hope that you do, too.
I've been feeling suicidal for three weeks or so. I think about killing myself many times, every single day. I've lost faith in myself at times, there's still lots about myself I dislike, and there are plenty of times that I lose hope for my future. I ask myself "why do I bother?", and I have no compelling answer for that. All I can do is make a promise to myself that I'm going to keep fighting. I have thought about that, and I think that maybe the promise means more if I make it to you, too.
So, to anyone reading this blog, I promise to fight. I promise that no matter how tempting suicide is, I won't do it. I promise I won't give up. I promise to fight.
If you feel suicidal, I hope that my struggle might inspire you to keep fighting, too. I write this blog to remind you that you're not alone in your struggle, and to remind myself that I'm not alone, either. So fight. Give it one more day. Get back in the ring and go one more round. And if you're serious about killing yourself, GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW. I promise to do the same.
I wish this post were more inspirational, that I could talk about all the progress I've made and how much better I feel, but maybe the inspiration here is that I really, really want to die, but I'm not going to give up. I promise to fight. I hope that you do, too.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Valentine's Day Sucks
I'm single, and I battle depression. If you're in the same boat, tomorrow, the 14th of February, can be really hard to get through. Winter is a tough time to meet new people, and with the short days, it's a tough time to be fighting depression. The combination of darkness and cold weather is bad enough without that bastard Cupid showing up and reminding us that we're alone.
Unlike dealing with Christmas, I don't really have great advice for dealing with Valentine's Day. I'm just thankful that the Valentine's hype is only a tiny fraction of what goes on at Christmas. EVERY store has a Christmas sale, but at least the only stores that are seriously into Valentine's are flower stores, greeting card stores and candy stores. And thankfully, there is no annoying theme music at the malls.
One thing that helps me through being single in February is focusing on the advantages of being single. And there are a few. First, you don't have to search frantically for the "perfect gift", and get all stressed about whether or not you spent "enough". Second (and this applies to being single all the time), you have tremendous freedom. You can do what you want, when you want to. I have married friends who don't get to go to every poker night or "guy's night out", and if they do, they need plenty of notice. I, on the other hand, can go out to all the poker nights I want. If a friend calls up, asking if I want to go somewhere right now, no notice, I can just go, if I want to. You can watch what you want on TV without worrying about whether or not you'll hear "do we have to watch THIS?"
Okay, that's not a huge list. But realize that you're not alone in being single. A recent article in the paper said that almost 50% of Canadian adults are currently single. There are plenty of people in the same boat as you (and me), even if you don't personally know any. All of my friends are married or in long-term relationships. All you or I can do is focus on the positive, fight our depression, and remember that two days after the 14th, there will be plenty of chocolate on sale, at greatly reduced prices. I look forward to going to Laura Secord and picking up a box or two of really nice chocolates in heart-shaped boxes, at 50% off or more. So it's not all bad.
Hang in there. Valentine's Day will soon be over, spring isn't far away, and the days are getting longer. Keep fighting. Don't give up.
Unlike dealing with Christmas, I don't really have great advice for dealing with Valentine's Day. I'm just thankful that the Valentine's hype is only a tiny fraction of what goes on at Christmas. EVERY store has a Christmas sale, but at least the only stores that are seriously into Valentine's are flower stores, greeting card stores and candy stores. And thankfully, there is no annoying theme music at the malls.
One thing that helps me through being single in February is focusing on the advantages of being single. And there are a few. First, you don't have to search frantically for the "perfect gift", and get all stressed about whether or not you spent "enough". Second (and this applies to being single all the time), you have tremendous freedom. You can do what you want, when you want to. I have married friends who don't get to go to every poker night or "guy's night out", and if they do, they need plenty of notice. I, on the other hand, can go out to all the poker nights I want. If a friend calls up, asking if I want to go somewhere right now, no notice, I can just go, if I want to. You can watch what you want on TV without worrying about whether or not you'll hear "do we have to watch THIS?"
Okay, that's not a huge list. But realize that you're not alone in being single. A recent article in the paper said that almost 50% of Canadian adults are currently single. There are plenty of people in the same boat as you (and me), even if you don't personally know any. All of my friends are married or in long-term relationships. All you or I can do is focus on the positive, fight our depression, and remember that two days after the 14th, there will be plenty of chocolate on sale, at greatly reduced prices. I look forward to going to Laura Secord and picking up a box or two of really nice chocolates in heart-shaped boxes, at 50% off or more. So it's not all bad.
Hang in there. Valentine's Day will soon be over, spring isn't far away, and the days are getting longer. Keep fighting. Don't give up.
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