Christmas Sucks.

For many of us with depression, December is the worst month of the year. The days are short, sunlight is in short supply with so many days overcast, and Christmas arrives. If you're like me, Christmas is intensely depressing. I alternate between crushing despair and a desire to punch Santa Claus in the face. I love the Grinch, and when people tell me I'm "a real Scrooge", I take it as a compliment.

Over the years, I have managed to come up with a few coping mechanisms for this time of year, and I'd like to share some of them with you. I hope that they help a little in getting through to January.

First of all, get your Christmas shopping done as early as possible, preferably before December. Why? That way, you can avoid malls. Few things are as depressing to me as being in a mall in December, surrounded by the colourful decorations and relentless Christmas music that mock the pain in my heart and soul. Being reminded that this is supposed to be a happy time of year only makes depression worse. It can make you feel like everyone is happy but you. I don't need to feel so alone, and neither do you. So the sooner your shopping is done, the easier it is to avoid malls.

Second, make plans with friends for the days after Boxing Day. Planning a nice time with friends on the 28th gives you something to look forward to. And if you're like me, and you feel like it's a huge relief that Christmas is over and done with, then going out and having some fun and socializing will help to build on that upward swing of your mood, however slight it might be. It's easier to avoid the dread of Christmas' approach if you can focus on the fun you'll have afterwards.

Third, consider avoiding any people you know who will probably make your life miserable. There are members of my family I don't get along with and never have. Having to interact with them is often stressful, sometimes even painful. Add X-mas to the mix, and sinking into despair becomes a real possibility. You probably can't avoid the events where these people will be, but you can avoid them at the event. If my father, for example, starts in on me, I excuse myself to "go to the bathroom", and when I leave the bathroom, I simply go to another room and start up a conversation with someone else. I've gotten pretty good at spending an entire day at my parents' house and not interacting with my father. He stresses me out, and I don't need that, so I avoid him. I used to be afraid of offending him, but I learned that it's better to offend him than it is to let his negative comments drag me down. When I go to see my family at Christmas with a PLAN, then I don't get so stressed out about going. Instead of thinking "Oh, God, I dread going to my parents' house", now I think "okay, I'm going to my parents' house. Remember to avoid Dad and hang out with my brother." It really helps make things less stressful, and the less stress you have, the better you will feel. And if you really can't handle being somewhere, call in sick! Seriously! I've skipped one Christmas by calling and saying I had the flu. Mention the words "vomit" and "diarrhea", and people will not want you over, and most of them will be sympathetic. Don't be afraid to do what you think is best for YOU.

I hope that this helps anyone out there who struggles with this time of year. And remember, if you're feeling suicidal, PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. If you have to, GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Christmas sucks, but it's not worth dying over. Hang in there. Keep fighting, and soon, Christmas will be over, and the days will start slowly getting longer again. Just don't give up.

This Too Shall Pass

When things are going badly and you feel like giving up, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that things will always be bad. I know. I've done it countless times, and sometimes, in spite of my best efforts, I still do. When you suffer from depression, it seems like the rough patches just keep coming. You may have said to yourself "things NEVER go right for me". I have. When things get bad, just remind yourself of two universal truths:

1. Everyone has times where nothing goes right. Everyone has problems. Yes, some problems are worse than others, and not everyone has to deal with depression on top of all of it, like we do. But nobody cruises through life without encountering trouble. NOBODY.

2. The bad times don't last forever. They may seem like they do, and some people have more bad times than others. But no matter what, just remember that "this too shall pass."

Right now, I'm in the middle of a financial crisis, largely of my own making (I'm terrible at making budgets and worse at sticking to them). All I have is 40 dollars, and it has to last me until Friday. That's five days of buying nothing but absolute necessities. The worst part is that I had to borrow that money, so when I get paid, I've got to pay back that money (and some other debts), leaving me with a smaller paycheque to get through the next two weeks, and I still have Christmas shopping to do. My family is getting cheap crap from the dollar store, again. It's depressing. And I've said to myself "this just never ends" more than once. But it does end. Come January, things will be okay by the middle of the month. The next 30 days are going to be financially tight and less than pleasant, but this too shall pass. Things kind of suck right now, and will continue to do so through the Christmas holiday, but the bad financial time will not last forever. I'll get through this.

And if you're having a terrible day, or week, or month, just remind yourself that whatever crisis you're facing right now, it won't last forever. This too shall pass. Try to remember all the bad times you've been through before, and survived. You may not feel you survived them well, or did a great job. You may feel, as I often do, that you could have handled things better. But the bottom line is you got through it somehow. You're still here, and you're still fighting. You've gotten through some terrible times, and you can do it again. Just keep fighting and don't give up. You may feel that you have more problems than other people, and you may be right. But instead of dwelling on it, just fight, knowing that eventually, you'll get through it. Don't give up. This too shall pass.

Give It One More Day

Last week, I was suicidal for the first time in about a year. The reasons I crept up to the edge of the abyss and looked in are not important. What's important is what I did, or in this case, didn't do.

When I feel like I really am going to commit suicide, when I come up with a detailed plan and get the feeling that now is as good a time to do it as any, I tell myself a phrase that has kept me going many times.

"Give it one more day".

I told myself that if I was serious about killing myself, then it didn't need to be done right this minute. Everything seemed hopeless, but I told myself to give it one more day. I went to bed, woke up feeling marginally better, dragged myself through another day, and then thought about reasons to live. I urge you to do the same thing.

If you're suicidal, please give it one more day. Give life one more try. A lousy 24 hours. If you can, write down some reasons to stay alive at least for a while. Write them all down, even the ones that sound stupid. I couldn't come up with many reasons to live another decade, but I came up with a few to live at least until next year. One of my reasons was that I should at least live long enough to see who wins the Super Bowl this season. Another was to live through at least one last winter (because I love winter). They don't have to be great, just valid.

If you can't think of any, then just give yourself 24 hours. Go to bed early, try to get some rest, and see if you feel any better tomorrow. If you can't wait that long, or if tomorrow comes and you feel worse, please don't kill yourself. GO TO THE HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY. I've done that several times in the past, and if I had felt worse the next day, I would have gone last week, too. But give it one more shot. One more try. Step into the ring of Life for one more round.

Last week, it seemed that death was the only refuge from the pain. I really did want to die, and had trouble thinking of convincing reasons to go on living. But I said to myself "give it one more day". It's only been a week, but I do feel a little better, and I'm glad that I didn't attempt suicide right away. Remember that if you really, really want to die, waiting 24 hours to do it isn't that big a deal. I know that it's paralyzing and depressing to think of the future when you're bereft of hope, and that the prospect of years of future suffering and despair makes dying seem pretty tempting, so don't think about the distant future. Forget the next year, the next decade, and just concentrate on tomorrow. "Take it one day at a time" is pretty good advice.

So, please, don't give up right now. Try your best to get the help you need. And give it one more day.

The Importance of Socializing

Human beings are social creatures. Isolation is not good for anyone, but it is particularly bad for those of us who suffer from depression. Alone with our negative thoughts, we usually end up sliding a lot closer to the abyss.

Socializing is one thing I realized early on was good for me, even before I got help, and professionals told me what I'd already figured out. If I'm in a good mood, or if I'm feeling creative, being alone can be a good thing. I can get some writing done when I'm not being distracted. But when I'm in a bad mood, when despair overtakes me, I know that I'm just not good company for myself. I need to get out and socialize.

Hanging out with friends will improve your mood, even if it's only slightly. At worst, being with other people will at least prevent your despair from getting worse. Chances are that your mood will improve. Being alone reminds you of how alone you feel, reminds you of your lonely struggle against your illness. Being with other people may initially feel like a temporary distraction, but ultimately, it will make you feel connected to humanity again. Socializing will remind you that there is more to the world than the darkness within yourself.

If you're feeling really depressed, I urge you to socialize as much as you can. Go and hang out with your friends. It's good for you. Just remember to do your best not to dump your despair all over them. I've done it, many times, and I have to remind myself constantly not to do it, no matter how good it feels to vent. I do my best not to, but I don't always succeed. Just try and relax, have fun, and talk about something other than how bad you feel. And pay attention to how you feel right after you leave to go home. Ask yourself if you feel at least a little better than you did before you went out. I think you'll be able to say that you do.

If you don't have any friends, then you need to get out and try and meet some. I don't have a lot of great advice for meeting people, because I've always had friends, and have never really had a problem making new ones. Some of my friends I've known for more than 30 years, so I've been fortunate. One suggestion I have is to join a club that shares one of your interests. I joined a writer's group, and have a few new friends because of it. If you have a hobby, a sport you follow, an interest you're passionate about, then try and find a group or club that shares that interest. It will be easier to make friends in a situation where you all have something in common. You won't feel like an outsider with nothing to say. The internet is a great tool for finding such organizations. I used Google to find the writer's group I joined.

So get out there. Hang out with old friends, or make new ones. It's not easy sometimes. Trust me, I know how easy it is to let depression pin you to the floor. But do it. You will probably feel at least a little better, maybe a lot better. Socializing is an important, and often underused weapon in the fight against depression. Please use it. Please fight.

Losing And Winning

I had a depressing couple of weeks. A novel I was working on for two months fizzled out. The plot was too thin to sustain the story, and it just sort of ran out of steam after 50-odd pages. I admit that becoming depressed about it was my fault, as I fell back into familiar old negative thought patterns. It felt like God had given me the desire to write, but insufficient talent, and I questioned the idea of continuing to write.

Eventually, though, I realized I had to shake myself out of the sadness. It's easy to forget that one has a role in fighting depression. It feels like you're helpless, and you can't do anything to improve your mood. Believe me, I know how sadness can drag one down like quicksand. But I knew what I had to do, so I got to work.

I had to write down my thoughts (CBT again) and analyze them, to see what was accurate and what was distorted. Once I'd figured out that just because one writing project had failed didn't automatically make me a bad writer, I got back to writing. I wrote some scripts for a sketch comedy group a friend of mine is putting together, and I also wrote a lot of crap. But for me, just the act of writing is helpful, even if the end result is useful only as kindling. I wrote some good stuff and a lot of bad stuff, and after a day or two, I felt better. You can, too.

You may not be a writer, or an artist, but there must be something in your life that you like doing. If you have a hobby, pursue it. Enjoy it. Do it for its own sake. If you don't, consider taking one up. Drag yourself out of the house and take a walk, a slow walk where you try to notice what's around you, the trees, the buildings, the little bits of glass at the edge of the sidewalk that sometimes sparkle in the sun. Or go and socialize with friends. But do something, no matter how pointless it seems. Believe it or not, your mood will improve, even if it's only slightly. Trust me, I know how easy it is to just lie there, feeling the hurt. I've given in to sadness and inertia many times. But for your own sake, fight it! I have to remind myself to keep fighting, but when I do, I feel better, because it feels like I'm NOT helpless, that I can stand up to my illness. You can, too. Please try. You have nothing to lose.

The Fight Goes On

Just because I'm not suicidal anymore doesn't mean I don't have bad days, or bad weeks. Overcoming depression doesn't mean being happy all the time, or never feeling depressed. All it means is that when the bad days come, I fight my way through them, instead of letting them drag me down into weeks of profound darkness. The abyss still calls out to me, but I don't slide down to the edge and peer in anymore.

"Know that when you gaze into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Nietzche.

This week has been bad. I've made mistakes at work, and doing stupid stuff always makes me feel bad about myself. I have to work hard reminding myself that 99% of the time at work, I do my job well, instead of focusing on the occasional boneheaded mistake. I've also been fighting self-pity, as well as the fear about my future. Fear often paralyzes me, and then I feel guilty for letting that happen, and depressed about feeling guilty. Stuff like this keeps happening, but I do my best to fight through it.

I just want you to know that the battle against depression never really ends. This is not to say the fight is hopeless - it's not! It's just that victory doesn't come in the form of euphoria. Victory comes in the form of just staying alive, committing oneself to the fight, and making steady, long-term progress. In spite of how I felt this week, I'm better now than I was a year ago. I feel bad, but I can at least be proud that I didn't let my despair turn into thoughts of suicide.

The fight goes on, so keep fighting.

Some History

My first suicide attempt was when I was 13. I was one of those kids who was picked on a lot, and my teachers didn't take my complaints seriously. Worse, my parents didn't believe me. I was actually accused of making it up. I didn't think anyone cared, so I figured I might as well die. Good thing I can't tie knots in ropes very well. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 15. I had what alcoholics call "a moment of clarity", when during a really bad day, I realized that most people probably weren't wishing they were dead, so I asked the school nurse for help. She got me an appointment with a councellor, who realized she was in over her head and she referred me to a psychiatrist. Eventually, I kind of pulled myself together and went to college. I had my first girlfriend, I was in a program I enjoyed, and for a brief time I was happy and thought I had put depression behind me. I was wrong. When I graduated, I had to face the prospect of looking for work, and also dealing with the return of my suicidal thoughts. My girlfriend tried her best to deal with how I was, but in the end, she had to bail on me, and I don't blame her. I was no fun to be around. I thought that being alone was causing my problems, so I searched for someone else. Met my future wife, and again, things were pretty good for a few years. We got married, and then my job got a lot more stressful, and the stress made my illness worse. My daughter was born in March of 2000, and my wife kicked me out in October, shortly after I attempted suicide. She couldn't deal with the way I had become, and I have no bitterness towards her. All I could see was darkness. I was in my own personal abyss, and consumed with my own pain, I was unable to see how badly I was treating my wife. I lived alone for two years, and that's when I hit rock bottom. I lived in an apartment building, and jumping out the 18th floor would have been pretty easy. I thought about doing that all the time. One day, I realized I was really going to do it, and that's when I decided to go to the hospital. I saw some more mental health professionals, tried many different anti-depressants until I could find one that didn't have horrible side effects, but in the end, it was cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that turned things around. I actually did CBT twice, but the first time, I didn't put in the effort, because I didn't think it would help. The second time, for many reasons, I was ready to give CBT a real shot, and it worked. My point in telling you all this is that you can't give up. Medication works for some people, but not everyone. And some meds work, others don't. If one doesn't work, keep trying. If whoever you're seeing isn't great, find someone else. I've had my share of crappy psychiatrists. I kept looking until I found one right for me. CBT has a higher success rate than meds, but you have to put in the effort and trust the process. Whatever you do, keep trying. If something isn't working, go to your family doctor and demand another referral or a different med. If you need help immediately, go to the ER. I had to keep trying all sorts of stuff for more than 20 years before I finally got what I needed. Hopefully, it won't take you that long. But the point is, DON'T GIVE UP. I know the hopelessness, the feeling that things will never get better. Believe me, I know what utter despair is. I have been in that abyss many times, for many years. I got out at last. You can, too.

Welcome. Please Don't Die.

I think I'm going to use this blog to convey my struggles with clinical depression, and how, after two decades, things are finally improving. I hope that my stories can inspire others battling depression, and maybe show them that it can be beaten. I suppose I'll just tell my tales, send my postcards from the abyss in my own soul, and hopefully, they will give others hope.

And there is hope. I never thought I'd say this, ever, but hope exists. The fight continues, but I'm making progress. Things can get better. If you're thinking about suicide, PLEASE GET HELP. Do it NOW. If you don't know where to go or who to see, then do what I did. Go to the ER at the hospital, and tell them you're thinking about ending your life. Feel free to use the phrase I did. I said to the nurse "I want to commit suicide, but I promised my friends I'd come here first." They'll look after you pretty quickly. They may not be able to help you right away, but they can put you in touch with people who can. I eventually got an appointment with a councellor at a mood disorders clinic. Ask for help, and be patient. Above all, don't give up. I wanted to, but I didn't, and now I'm glad I didn't.

Anyway, that's what this blog will be. Just stories about my struggles, the progress I've made, and the hope that it might inspire you.