Back Into It

Just when I thought I was out of my personal Abyss of depression, just when I thought I had the tools to keep myself away from my swirling vortex of despair, I get sucked back into it. Motherfucker.

The worst part isn't being depressed. It's not even the feeling that I'm losing ground. They say "progress, not perfection", but I'm not only not making progress, I'm going backwards. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is I don't know why.

I've been working my program - talking to my sponsor, going to meetings, reading the literature, praying like there's no tomorrow - and things are still getting worse. None of it makes sense - apart from some self-imposed stress, my life is no different than it was a month ago, when I felt great. No huge, tragic event has happened. Nobody died, and I'm not living in a van down by the river. I just don't understand.

The only thing I know for sure is that no matter how bad this gets, I'm going to ride it out. I WILL survive. If you're going through Hell, keep going. I don't know how or when I'm going to crawl back out of my abyss, or even if I will, but I will at least keep fighting.

It sucks being this miserable again. Being depressed sucks the energy out of me and prevents me from enjoying the good things in my life, of which there are many. I fucking hate despair, and I hate the ass-kicking it's giving me right now. Fuck.