Love And Faith

Lately, I have been struggling to understand God, or Goddess, or Being, or whatever you want to call a Higher Power. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to this Higher Power as God for now, if only because the word "God" has only three letters. I don't know who or what God is exactly, and I probably cannot know, but I do believe in God. The problem I have is the concept of a loving God, one who looks out for us, and wants us to be happy.

I talked to Jodie about this, and she said something along the lines of "spirituality and faith aren't something you can analyze or understand on an intellectual level. You have to feel your faith, not think it." Forgive me if those weren't her exact words, but that was the gist of it. Then she said that faith is a lot like love, in the way that you just feel it.

I thought about that on the way home last night, driving along the 403, and it suddenly made sense. When I love someone, I don't analyze it, question it, or try to understand it, I just feel it. I know it's real. Either I feel it or I don't, and when I do, I just know. I think she's right. I think that faith is the same way. I don't question the existence of God anymore, I just know that there is a God. I can feel it. So instead of questioning God's motivations (like, is God supposed to operate the world like a triage?), or wondering why he'd help some ordinary, average Joe like myself when there are people who suffer more than I do, I should just try to feel my faith in my heart.

I'm not sure how to do that, but I get the feeling meditation is the key. Tolle says it is. The answer may really be inside, rather than outside me where I've been looking for it. One thing is for certain - I can feel that I made another small step along the path of my spiritual journey. It feels pretty good. It's another step away from my abyss of despair. I couldn't have pictured myself writing any of this two years ago, but I seem to have made progress. I can't help but be a little happy about that.