Real Wealth

I have realized over the last few weeks that, even though I have no money, I am by one measure a rich man. If one were to measure wealth by the quality of one's friends, then I am one of the richest men in the world.

Most of my friends I have known since high school. Many of them I have known since grade school. My high school crew are all like brothers to me. When things went badly, when everyone else - my parents, my family, my teachers - abandoned or betrayed me, my friends were there for me. My friends have stuck by me through thick and thin, through some bad times and some apalling behaviour on my part. My parents cut me loose, the rest of my family turned their backs on me, but my friends stayed true for more than 20 years now.

I have very little money. I work a loser job for mediocre pay. I own nothing of value - no house, no car, no investments. I live paycheque to paycheque. Yet I have marvellous, wonderful friends who inexplicably love me in spite of my flaws. I am truly lucky.

Money comes and goes. Owning stuff does not buy happiness. But great friends are real wealth, and I have many great friends. By that measure, I am one of the luckiest and richest men on the face of the earth, and for that I am truly thankful.

I guess what I'm saying is that even if I have nothing else, I have great friends, and they're worth sticking around for. I sincerely hope that you have at least one friend like that. If you do, stick around for their sake, even if you feel your own life seems hopeless sometimes.

I Keep Getting Up

May was a horrible month for me. On top of the regular stupid crap that I do, and the ongoing challenges of my life, I discovered something unpleasant about myself.

I am worse than I thought. I am evil.

I will not relate the details of my transgression. I will only say that I did something unspeakably bad, and worse, I knew it was wrong and wanted to do it anyway. For hours after the event, I sat and stared in horror at the abyss in my soul. Recalling my apalling and outrageous behaviour, I remember knowing what I was doing was wrong and wanting desperately to do it in spite of myself. All I could say for hours afterwards, over and over, were four words:

"I am a monster".

I tell you this only because I was very close to killing myself. I didn't, and I don't know why. I have many reasons to die and very few to keep living. In the end, I decided to keep going merely for the sake of going on. Call it hope, call it survival instinct, call it what you will, but I decided to stay alive, if only for the sake of staying alive.

I keep falling. I keep getting knocked down. I keep tripping myself and landing face down in life's muck. I keep thinking of giving up and ending it all. But for some reason, I keep getting up. I tell myself "give it one more day". Sometimes, I inch forward, concentrating not on getting through the day, but on getting through the hour, the minute, the moment. I don't know why. I am a wretched fiend, a diabolical slave to my selfish, desperate, grasping desires. I have wronged so many people that care about me that I feel that I deserve to die. But God (for lack of a better term for whatever higher power there is) refuses to help me out by giving me a massive heart attack or an inoperable tumour, so He must want me to stick around for some reason. So I do. I keep getting up. I don't know if that's a good enough reason to go on, but it will have to do.

I keep getting up. It's all I have.

I Promise To Fight

March has been a bad month. There are lots of reasons. Some are external (my car died), and some are internal (negative thought patterns), but they're not important. What's important is that I keep trying.

I've been feeling suicidal for three weeks or so. I think about killing myself many times, every single day. I've lost faith in myself at times, there's still lots about myself I dislike, and there are plenty of times that I lose hope for my future. I ask myself "why do I bother?", and I have no compelling answer for that. All I can do is make a promise to myself that I'm going to keep fighting. I have thought about that, and I think that maybe the promise means more if I make it to you, too.

So, to anyone reading this blog, I promise to fight. I promise that no matter how tempting suicide is, I won't do it. I promise I won't give up. I promise to fight.

If you feel suicidal, I hope that my struggle might inspire you to keep fighting, too. I write this blog to remind you that you're not alone in your struggle, and to remind myself that I'm not alone, either. So fight. Give it one more day. Get back in the ring and go one more round. And if you're serious about killing yourself, GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW. I promise to do the same.

I wish this post were more inspirational, that I could talk about all the progress I've made and how much better I feel, but maybe the inspiration here is that I really, really want to die, but I'm not going to give up. I promise to fight. I hope that you do, too.

Valentine's Day Sucks

I'm single, and I battle depression. If you're in the same boat, tomorrow, the 14th of February, can be really hard to get through. Winter is a tough time to meet new people, and with the short days, it's a tough time to be fighting depression. The combination of darkness and cold weather is bad enough without that bastard Cupid showing up and reminding us that we're alone.

Unlike dealing with Christmas, I don't really have great advice for dealing with Valentine's Day. I'm just thankful that the Valentine's hype is only a tiny fraction of what goes on at Christmas. EVERY store has a Christmas sale, but at least the only stores that are seriously into Valentine's are flower stores, greeting card stores and candy stores. And thankfully, there is no annoying theme music at the malls.

One thing that helps me through being single in February is focusing on the advantages of being single. And there are a few. First, you don't have to search frantically for the "perfect gift", and get all stressed about whether or not you spent "enough". Second (and this applies to being single all the time), you have tremendous freedom. You can do what you want, when you want to. I have married friends who don't get to go to every poker night or "guy's night out", and if they do, they need plenty of notice. I, on the other hand, can go out to all the poker nights I want. If a friend calls up, asking if I want to go somewhere right now, no notice, I can just go, if I want to. You can watch what you want on TV without worrying about whether or not you'll hear "do we have to watch THIS?"

Okay, that's not a huge list. But realize that you're not alone in being single. A recent article in the paper said that almost 50% of Canadian adults are currently single. There are plenty of people in the same boat as you (and me), even if you don't personally know any. All of my friends are married or in long-term relationships. All you or I can do is focus on the positive, fight our depression, and remember that two days after the 14th, there will be plenty of chocolate on sale, at greatly reduced prices. I look forward to going to Laura Secord and picking up a box or two of really nice chocolates in heart-shaped boxes, at 50% off or more. So it's not all bad.

Hang in there. Valentine's Day will soon be over, spring isn't far away, and the days are getting longer. Keep fighting. Don't give up.

Christmas Sucks.

For many of us with depression, December is the worst month of the year. The days are short, sunlight is in short supply with so many days overcast, and Christmas arrives. If you're like me, Christmas is intensely depressing. I alternate between crushing despair and a desire to punch Santa Claus in the face. I love the Grinch, and when people tell me I'm "a real Scrooge", I take it as a compliment.

Over the years, I have managed to come up with a few coping mechanisms for this time of year, and I'd like to share some of them with you. I hope that they help a little in getting through to January.

First of all, get your Christmas shopping done as early as possible, preferably before December. Why? That way, you can avoid malls. Few things are as depressing to me as being in a mall in December, surrounded by the colourful decorations and relentless Christmas music that mock the pain in my heart and soul. Being reminded that this is supposed to be a happy time of year only makes depression worse. It can make you feel like everyone is happy but you. I don't need to feel so alone, and neither do you. So the sooner your shopping is done, the easier it is to avoid malls.

Second, make plans with friends for the days after Boxing Day. Planning a nice time with friends on the 28th gives you something to look forward to. And if you're like me, and you feel like it's a huge relief that Christmas is over and done with, then going out and having some fun and socializing will help to build on that upward swing of your mood, however slight it might be. It's easier to avoid the dread of Christmas' approach if you can focus on the fun you'll have afterwards.

Third, consider avoiding any people you know who will probably make your life miserable. There are members of my family I don't get along with and never have. Having to interact with them is often stressful, sometimes even painful. Add X-mas to the mix, and sinking into despair becomes a real possibility. You probably can't avoid the events where these people will be, but you can avoid them at the event. If my father, for example, starts in on me, I excuse myself to "go to the bathroom", and when I leave the bathroom, I simply go to another room and start up a conversation with someone else. I've gotten pretty good at spending an entire day at my parents' house and not interacting with my father. He stresses me out, and I don't need that, so I avoid him. I used to be afraid of offending him, but I learned that it's better to offend him than it is to let his negative comments drag me down. When I go to see my family at Christmas with a PLAN, then I don't get so stressed out about going. Instead of thinking "Oh, God, I dread going to my parents' house", now I think "okay, I'm going to my parents' house. Remember to avoid Dad and hang out with my brother." It really helps make things less stressful, and the less stress you have, the better you will feel. And if you really can't handle being somewhere, call in sick! Seriously! I've skipped one Christmas by calling and saying I had the flu. Mention the words "vomit" and "diarrhea", and people will not want you over, and most of them will be sympathetic. Don't be afraid to do what you think is best for YOU.

I hope that this helps anyone out there who struggles with this time of year. And remember, if you're feeling suicidal, PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. If you have to, GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Christmas sucks, but it's not worth dying over. Hang in there. Keep fighting, and soon, Christmas will be over, and the days will start slowly getting longer again. Just don't give up.

This Too Shall Pass

When things are going badly and you feel like giving up, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that things will always be bad. I know. I've done it countless times, and sometimes, in spite of my best efforts, I still do. When you suffer from depression, it seems like the rough patches just keep coming. You may have said to yourself "things NEVER go right for me". I have. When things get bad, just remind yourself of two universal truths:

1. Everyone has times where nothing goes right. Everyone has problems. Yes, some problems are worse than others, and not everyone has to deal with depression on top of all of it, like we do. But nobody cruises through life without encountering trouble. NOBODY.

2. The bad times don't last forever. They may seem like they do, and some people have more bad times than others. But no matter what, just remember that "this too shall pass."

Right now, I'm in the middle of a financial crisis, largely of my own making (I'm terrible at making budgets and worse at sticking to them). All I have is 40 dollars, and it has to last me until Friday. That's five days of buying nothing but absolute necessities. The worst part is that I had to borrow that money, so when I get paid, I've got to pay back that money (and some other debts), leaving me with a smaller paycheque to get through the next two weeks, and I still have Christmas shopping to do. My family is getting cheap crap from the dollar store, again. It's depressing. And I've said to myself "this just never ends" more than once. But it does end. Come January, things will be okay by the middle of the month. The next 30 days are going to be financially tight and less than pleasant, but this too shall pass. Things kind of suck right now, and will continue to do so through the Christmas holiday, but the bad financial time will not last forever. I'll get through this.

And if you're having a terrible day, or week, or month, just remind yourself that whatever crisis you're facing right now, it won't last forever. This too shall pass. Try to remember all the bad times you've been through before, and survived. You may not feel you survived them well, or did a great job. You may feel, as I often do, that you could have handled things better. But the bottom line is you got through it somehow. You're still here, and you're still fighting. You've gotten through some terrible times, and you can do it again. Just keep fighting and don't give up. You may feel that you have more problems than other people, and you may be right. But instead of dwelling on it, just fight, knowing that eventually, you'll get through it. Don't give up. This too shall pass.

Give It One More Day

Last week, I was suicidal for the first time in about a year. The reasons I crept up to the edge of the abyss and looked in are not important. What's important is what I did, or in this case, didn't do.

When I feel like I really am going to commit suicide, when I come up with a detailed plan and get the feeling that now is as good a time to do it as any, I tell myself a phrase that has kept me going many times.

"Give it one more day".

I told myself that if I was serious about killing myself, then it didn't need to be done right this minute. Everything seemed hopeless, but I told myself to give it one more day. I went to bed, woke up feeling marginally better, dragged myself through another day, and then thought about reasons to live. I urge you to do the same thing.

If you're suicidal, please give it one more day. Give life one more try. A lousy 24 hours. If you can, write down some reasons to stay alive at least for a while. Write them all down, even the ones that sound stupid. I couldn't come up with many reasons to live another decade, but I came up with a few to live at least until next year. One of my reasons was that I should at least live long enough to see who wins the Super Bowl this season. Another was to live through at least one last winter (because I love winter). They don't have to be great, just valid.

If you can't think of any, then just give yourself 24 hours. Go to bed early, try to get some rest, and see if you feel any better tomorrow. If you can't wait that long, or if tomorrow comes and you feel worse, please don't kill yourself. GO TO THE HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY. I've done that several times in the past, and if I had felt worse the next day, I would have gone last week, too. But give it one more shot. One more try. Step into the ring of Life for one more round.

Last week, it seemed that death was the only refuge from the pain. I really did want to die, and had trouble thinking of convincing reasons to go on living. But I said to myself "give it one more day". It's only been a week, but I do feel a little better, and I'm glad that I didn't attempt suicide right away. Remember that if you really, really want to die, waiting 24 hours to do it isn't that big a deal. I know that it's paralyzing and depressing to think of the future when you're bereft of hope, and that the prospect of years of future suffering and despair makes dying seem pretty tempting, so don't think about the distant future. Forget the next year, the next decade, and just concentrate on tomorrow. "Take it one day at a time" is pretty good advice.

So, please, don't give up right now. Try your best to get the help you need. And give it one more day.